Past
by Shadow Phantom
Summary: No,' Harry says. 'Easier, but not better. Start first year. I want to know everything.'" A rather long one-shot. The summer after Sirius's death, Remus tells Harry all the things he should know about the Marauder's past.


Disclaimer: This idea isn't even mine. The first two paragraphs belong to a friend who posed a hefty challenge for me.

Author's Note: I had much debate over whether to make this a huge one shot or a couple of chapter. I went with the one-shot. Feel free to read in bits and pieces. This is another version of the Marauder's past at Hogwarts, told to Harry by Remus after the death of Sirius. A little long, a little strange, and I hope a little interesting. Enjoy.

Past

Remus never fell in love. It was one day, sitting with James and Sirius under the tree by the lake, trading their day's purchases from Hogsmeade with each other, that Remus looked across at Sirius and his laughter quieted. He smiled, and Sirius smiled brightly back. Remus forgot, for the moment, what it was like to fear the moon. James shouted across the air, and rolled away from their sorted piles, knocking his own across the grass. Remus looked after as he jogged across the lawn, shouting after Lily Evans.

When he looked back, Sirius was still looking at him.

He wasn't sure exactly what to call it. Stumbling into love, maybe. Tripping into love, perhaps. But not falling. It wasn't like falling. It was more like...

"Yes?" Harry asks.

Well, something that was for sure. Maybe it would be easier to start at the beginning, or maybe just not to tell it at all.

"No," Harry says. "Easier, but not better. Start with first year. I want to know everything."

It's strange, but Remus remembers his first day of Hogwarts with such clarity that he can almost relive it. One very important factor is that it had decided to rain that day. Not just sprinkle, but _rain_.

He stood under the overhang and stared at the great red engine while he mother cried and his father pretended not to. 'Write often,' his mother begged. He assured her that he would. 'Don't get too wet either,' she added. He didn't bother to tell her that her request was impossible, but nodded anyway.

His parents had just left, and Remus had decided that he would make a run for the train, when the shrill voice of a woman grabbed his attention. He glanced to the left and saw a young boy with black hair, about his age, being yelled at by a woman with black hair.

'Don't you _dare_ get those robes wet, do you hear me, Sirius? And if I hear of _one_ disappointment, _one_ toe out of line, don't you _dare_ presume that you will go unpunished! Are you listening to me? Look at me when I speak to you, young man!' She would be very pretty, Remus thought, if she didn't look so mean. 'Run _very_ quickly! And send an owl home before you go to bed, do you understand?'

Sirius, that little boy, looked miserable. 'Yes mother,' he said.

His mother straightened and sniffed. 'Very well, I'll see you during Christmas holidays.'

The look on Sirius's face clearly said, _No, you won't._ She said a curt good bye, and then Disapparated. Sirius grabbed his trunk and looked about defiantly, before stepping out into the rain and splashing in the biggest puddle he could find.

Feeling as if he shouldn't interfere, Remus started for the train, but Sirius called out. 'Hey, could you help me, please?' he called.

Remus was startled. Sirius's mother looked much too proud to ask for help, or teach her children to. They were the sort that didn't know the existence of the word "please", let alone it's meaning. However, Remus was never one to turn down someone in need, his parents had taught him better than that. 'Sure,' he agreed, 'what do you need help with?'

Sirius indicated his trunk. Each boy took a handle on the either side and started for the train. 'Sorry about my mum,' Sirius said, his nose wrinkling.

'I wasn't the one she was yelling at,' Remus replied, as the heaved the trunk up the steps.

Sirius regarded him for a moment before laughing. 'My name is Sirius, if you hadn't already figured that out from my mother.' He held out his hand.

'I'm Remus,' said Remus and shook his hand.

Not ten minutes later they walked into a compartment where a boy with messy black hair and black frame glasses was plotting with a short pudgy boy with blonde hair where exactly they were going to set off the dung bombs that the boy with black hair had stolen.

And thus the Marauders were created.

"That's a good story," Harry smiles.

Yes, Remus likes to remember his first day at Hogwarts.

"What about when they found out you were a werewolf?" Harry asks.

He was going to get that. It's another good memory, another especially strong one.

Second year had come and gone, and third had just started. The gossip over the Whomping Willow had seemed to finally fade away into nothingness, the children deciding that it was merely an eccentric idea of Dumbledore's. Remus had also convinced himself that his friends had begun to accept his excuses of sick relatives, unexpected deaths, and birthdays.

Then, one evening right before the full moon, Remus was sitting in his bed finishing up his assignments for the next few days, when he felt a strange prickling feeling on the back of his neck.

He raised his eyes slowly from the text (how to defend oneself from a boggart) and found that Peter, Sirius, and James had surrounded his bed. 'H'lo,' he said, 'planning a new prank?' They didn't respond, and simply stared at him. 'Do I have something on my face?' he asked. 'What's the matter?'

'It's a full moon tomorrow,' James said. Remus couldn't quite pick out if James's voice was accusatory or simply conversational. Nonetheless, he shivered.

'We were thinking it would be the perfect time to create some mischief,' Sirius added, his blue eyes staring at Remus thoughtfully. 'You'd be all right with that, wouldn't you?'

Remus shifted uncomfortably. 'What kind of mischief? You know I have to leave late afternoon to visit my mum again.'

'Yes...' James said aloud, '...your mum. Right.'

A lump quickly lodged itself in Remus's throat and refused to budge. He swallowed a few times in panic. They knew what he was. They knew, and soon they were going to tell him that his dirty half-breed ways weren't acceptable. James and Sirius were both full-blooded wizards, and Peter, well, Peter wasn't a werewolf.

He willed himself to remain calm. The best way to handle the situation was to get it over with and out in the open as soon as possible. He nodded. 'Yes. My mum."

It was Sirius who was unable to avoid the topic. 'Just admit to it, Remus. We figured it out months ago, but had to make sure. You don't go out of town every month to visit relatives, do you?'

Trust Sirius to put the situation in the bluntest terms possible. Remus shook his head. 'No Sirius, I don't go visit relatives.'

He was staring at the book in his hands now, as if he could see through the pages. Anything to keep his burning eyes out of sight from his friends. He tried to swallow away the lump again, unsuccessfully. Tension built in the air.

'The Shrieking Shack.' Sirius said. 'Alone. Every month.'

Remus nodded, not trusting himself to form words.

Silence pervaded the room, stagnating, turning his breath into must. It would happen in a second. Just a second longer...

'Why didn't you tell us?' James demanded.

'I thought that you would-'

'Remus, you prat.' He looked up, startled at Sirius's words and saw that the three of them had broad grins stretched across their faces. 'You're an idiot, you know, thinking that we wouldn't find out.'

'Although admittedly more so for thinking that if we did find out we would care,' James added.

Peter simply beamed at him.

It seemed, however, that simply announcing they knew of Remus's condition was not enough. Sirius continued. "It's not right, you know. Marauders stick up for each other. We'll see to it that you don't have to go through this alone every month, Remus, no matter how much you insist otherwise.'

Normally, he would have protested right there, but then he thought better of it. 'I wouldn't dream of it.'

"So they became Animagus?" Harry asks. "They became Animagus, and you became the Marauders who created the map, and consequently became legend."

Remus smiles at this. Sirius always wanted to be legend. Legend is a good word to describe him. A good adjective. Sirius Black: Legend.

'You know,' Sirius commented tapping his quill impatiently against a roll of parchment. He was paying no mind to the inkblot that was spidering across the parchment; instead he was regarding Remus with serious consideration. 'If we contacted the Ministry, we could be put into textbooks. Youngest ever to become Animagus. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?'

'Along with first werewolf accepted to the school gets expelled fifth year due to legend friends reporting themselves as Animagi to the Ministry. Yes, Sirius, I suppose that would be nice.'

Harry shifts in his seat, adjusts his glasses which are sliding sweatily down his nose. He plucks at his shirt a few times, then regards his pumpkin juice, which is sweating just as heavily as he is. He looks awkward. "What about Snape?"

Remus knows that Harry doesn't enjoy hearing such things, but it was a cause of Sirius and James holding a grudge. Not to say that it wasn't partially Remus's fault, after all, he was never quite the Prefect that Dumbledore hoped him to be.

"So? Sirius had Snape risk his life on a grudge?"

Nobody had ever said that Sirius was a rational thinker.

"I know," Harry says. He shifts again, uncomfortably. "I just like to think that Snape did something really horrible, you know? Like he tried cursing you, or he got Sirius unfairly landed in a month's worth of detention. It's easier to say Snape is the bad guy."

Professor Snape.

Harry repeats the 'Professor' contemptuously. "I mean, people always tell me what a great person my dad was, how great Sirius was."

Well, really, all things considered, there's not much excuse for Sirius's actions. Even a month's worth of detentions – no matter how unfairly administered – are a justifiable cause for telling somebody to crawl down the passageway under the Whomping Willow.

Shortly after the incident, James tried to play peacemaker between Remus and Sirius. The quiet anger that boiled within Remus Lupin was a thousand times worse than the wrath of Sirius Black shouting. Remus was never fiercely angry with James; he saved Snape's life, but Sirius...

One day, Remus was sitting under a tree by the lake, skipping a lunch that he wasn't hungry for. Sirius was avoiding him, still smarting from the night before. James would be trying to tell him that Remus had cause. Peter was torn between friends, but could sense that he wasn't wanted under the shade of that tree.

'Excuse me, are you all right?' Lily Evans was smiling at him, something that Remus rarely saw. In fact, he had grown under the impression that she was unable to stop a scowl forming on her face when looking at any one of the Marauders. Apparently that was not the case, because she took a seat and stretched her legs easily out into the grass. 'I've just never seen you without James and Sirius,' she continued when Remus said nothing. 'You know, I've never quite understood why that is.'

'At the moment, I'm not quite sure why either.'

Later James would stop talking to him on protest that Remus was attempting to steal Lily away. Which was really quite ridiculous. Remus had never stolen a woman away in his life, he wasn't capable of it, nor did he have any desire to.

Lily became his source of friendship. With anger brewing between the Marauders, he found he really had no one else to turn to, and she proved to rise to the occasion wonderfully. At first it was just lunch together under the tree by the lake. Then it was studying in addition to lunch. Then it was talking together in the common room in addition to studying and lunch.

Most of the time, Remus was content with this arrangement. It was only when he went up to the dormitory at night that he would struggle. 'Hey James,' he wanted to say, 'Lily told me today that she really does think you're cute, and if you proved you didn't have so much ego she would go on a date with you.' Or, 'Sirius, did you know that there are currently fifteen girls in this school that are madly in love with you?' Or even, 'Pete, Lily tells me that the cute Hufflepuff you've had your eye on is dating an Auror.'

Instead he kept his silence, and went to bed without a word. Sometimes they were awake, and watched him carefully. Other times, they lay in bed, pretending to be asleep, or actually asleep, Remus never knew.

It went on like that for almost a month.

"An entire month? How did you ever patch things up after that?" Harry looks entranced now, completely enveloped. "I mean, that must have been a hefty apology."

It had been. Lily and Remus had been carrying out their normal business, eating lunch underneath the tree on a particularly cloudy day, when Sirius approached them. Lily tensed, and started to her feet. She had heard (and partially believed) various accounts from Remus insisting that Sirius and James really weren't so tough as they pretended.

'What do you want?' she demanded, as if shielding Remus from harm.

Sirius shrugged in the usual way. The way that made girls want to date him, and boys want to be him. 'Is it against the law to talk to a friend?'

Lily scowled. 'Some friend you've been. Ignoring Remus, and then refusing to talk to him like he's some sort of disease. If you call that friendship then-'

'It's all right, Lily.' She stopped and turned around, a look of confusion and disbelief written across her face. 'I'm quite capable of defending myself.'

She bent down, and picked up her bag. 'Well, I trust you, Remus. Meet me in the library after dinner to study for Transfiguration?' He nodded, and she waved good bye. 'Don't you do one thing to him Sirius Black, not one thing.' With that, she turned heel and left.

After the red storm had gone into the distance, Sirius and Remus stood there awkwardly, avoiding gazes. Sirius scuffed his toe into the ground. 'So,' Remus finally said.

'So,' Sirius replied, then changed his gaze from the grass to the sky. 'It looks like rain,' he commented. 'It was raining the first time we met. Remember?'

Remus ignored the question. 'What was it you wanted to talk to me about? If you're here on James's order, forget about it. I'm not trying to steal Lily away from him, and she knows that perfectly well.'

'No, I'm not here because of James.' He sighed. Remus noticed that Sirius's shoulders had begun to hunch, just slightly, and his fists were jammed into the pockets of his jeans. The change was subtle enough to reveal that Sirius was uncomfortable. 'He'd probably yell at me if he knew that I was apologizing first.' The silence was stifling. Sirius's gaze turned away from the sky and focused on Remus. 'What I did was stupid. I know that. I knew it at the time.'

_'Then why did you do it?'_ the question lingered between them, without actually being said. Remus would have demanded the answer the night it happened, but by the time the sun rose he was too weary to care until the full moon had waned. By that time, it was too late to ask. 'Yes,' Remus said finally. 'I thought that was probably the case.'

The line of his shoulders stiffened further yet. 'He just, he knows how to twist me, and I hate that. It's like, my mum always said that you have to teach people that they will pay if they try and play off your weaknesses by hitting them at theirs.' A dry chuckle escaped his lips. 'I know, taking the advice of a woman who loathed me so much I had to run away from home. It's just that, Remus, he insulted you, he always insults you, and you just let him get away with it like it's nothing. I can't stand that. He has to pay for hurting you.'

'Why?'

Sirius looked bewildered by this question and his eyes widened. 'What do you mean "why", Moony?'

Now it was Remus who refused to meet Sirius's eyes. 'Why does he have to pay? If anybody should decide that, it should be me, and I'm fine with it. In case you hadn't noticed, I can take care of myself.'

'That's just the thing, you think you're fine, but on the inside you die a little each day.' His voice had a soft pleading that Remus had never heard before. The great Sirius Black was revealing actual emotions. 'I know it. Every time we pull a prank and you don't stop us, or every time you let the Slytherins make fun of you and do nothing about it, or even _us_, Moony, even the Marauders. We kill you too.'

A drop of rain landed on Remus's scalp. 'I'm going inside. Lunch will be ending soon.'

Within seconds, Sirius had thrown his hunched shoulder demeanor and was gripping Remus by both arms. His eyes had darkened to the color of the storm clouds overhead. 'Don't go. I'm sorry. I don't want you to hate me. Remus, please.'

His mouth opened slightly, forming shapes wordlessly. How long had it been since Sirius had called him by his first name? Years, at least. He wanted to forgive, but his mouth rebelled. 'I have to go inside.'

Remus left Sirius standing by the lake, hands hanging weakly at his sides, mouth open in disbelief, rain drenching his robes.

"That wasn't it," Harry says. He is leaning forward; eyes riveted, forgotten sweat trickling down his forehead. "That couldn't have been it."

No, it wasn't.

"Well, then how did you patch things up? After that apology?" Harry doesn't realize that he has spilled the pumpkin juice and orange is blossoming across the picnic blanket. "I thought that by the time you graduated everything was sorted out."

Everything was solved the summer before seventh year. Remus spent a particularly lonely summer, helping his parents move to a smaller house, getting rid furniture, and doing summer essays. Towards the end of July an owl arrived from James and Sirius asking him to stay a week or so. His parents saw the letter before Remus could read it and then lie about it, and they insisted that he see his friends.

Their meeting was strained. Sirius was particularly moody, while James asked if he had kept up a correspondence with Lily. The night was muggy, and Remus found it particularly difficult to sleep, so he exited the room to go do some late night reading.

He had just settled down on the couch, when a shadow appeared in his peripheral vision. 'Mind if I join you for a little while?'

'I suppose not.'

Sirius sat down next to him, hands clasped in his lap. Remus stared at the words printed in the book he was holding open. 'I talked things over with Lily,' he whispered at last. 'She told me the side of the story that you haven't been willing to share with me.' He exhaled shakily. 'I think I know why you were angry only with me.'

Remus forgot about the ink on the pages in front of him. He turned slowly. 'Why do you think that was, Sirius?'

'I betrayed you,' Sirius said. 'That's the logical conclusion. I was the one who gave up the fact that you're a werewolf to the last person you want to know that. Except that, it hurt most when I did it, because...' Sirius laughed at himself, and reached to itch his right eye with his index finger. 'This sounds so stupid. Lily told me that you told her that werewolves are basically programmed to prevent reproduction. That is to say, that you don't, or rather, can't fall in love because doing so would risk harm to those you love. Well, for Merlin's sake Remus, you obviously can't stop yourself from loving people. Even if you do turn into...well, even with the full moon you're still a person, and people can't control their emotions.'

'So you think I'm upset with you because I love you?' Remus was proud to note that he was able to keep his voice at a proper level of calmness.

Sirius was shaking his head, and laughing quietly. 'I don't know about that. I wish I could claim that. I think the reason that you were so upset is because you know that I love you, and that's where the shock lies. You thought that the person who hasn't been able to get rid of a ridiculously unreciprocated love for you would never doing anything to you that could possibly even begin to count as betrayal.'

Silence reigned for only a brief second. '...You love me?'

'Yeah,' Sirius nodded. 'Stupid, huh?'

"That was your romance novel moment, wasn't it?" Harry is smiling now. "That's the point where you told him 'No, not stupid at all,' and kissed him and broke the hearts of girls the world over."

That's not exactly how the rest of the night was panned out.

"Well, what then?" Harry demands. "What did you do if you didn't kiss him?"

'Yes, unbelievably stupid.'

'But not unforgivably?'

Remus shook his head. 'Not unforgivably, no. Let's go to bed. James's parents want to take us to Diagon Alley in the morning.'

"That was it?" Harry looks scandalized, as if he has just been denied a really juicy bit of information. "You went to sleep, and went to Diagon Alley, and were friends again? That's it? Just friends? Are you sure you're getting your story straight?" His cheeks are bright pink from the sun. "What happened seventh year?"

Many things happened seventh year. James and Lily fell in love. Sirius Black attracted numerous girls but did nothing with them. Remus studied for exams under criticism. Pranks were hatched, revenge was dished out and taken back, and finally graduation was achieved. The last night of school, all the Gryffindors gathered in the common room, determined to stay awake from that moment on until they filed off the Hogwarts Express the next morning.

At around five, when most had forgotten that pledge and fallen asleep, the Marauders gathered in a corner of the room. 'Let's pledge to the future,' James suggested. He puffed up, looking proud of this suggestion, and the others could tell that he was bursting to proclaim his plans first.

'So?' Sirius asked. 'What are you going to do with your life, Prongs?'

A grin snaked across his face, and Remus caught a flash behind his glasses. 'I am going to ask Lily to marry me,' he announced. Looking, really, more confident than he had any right to be.

'Are you really?' Sirius looked torn between excitement and skepticism at this proclamation. James nodded. 'Well, then. You'll have to hope it all goes along right, won't you? Can't imagine what your parents will think of you marrying off at seventeen, and _her_ parents? Don't even get me started. They may be a sight better than her sister, that's for sure, but they're Muggles through and through, and if Lily was going to school proper-like back at home, then there's no way they would give their consent. Also, how do you plan on settling down when neither one of you has a job or a-'

'Sirius!' James exclaimed, looking faintly horrified. 'I'm not going to ask her tonight, okay?'

'When are you then?' he asked keenly.

James shrugged. 'I dunno. Sooner or later.'

'I suggest you go with the later,' Remus said mildly.

There was a look on Prongs's face that distinctively said this wasn't going over quite how he had planned it out in his head. 'Well, I'm going to. That's all I know.'

Sirius grinned, and slapped him on the back. 'I'm best man, aren't I? You've chosen me out as best man?'

James laughed, and wave of relief swept across his features. 'Of course I have, you daft git. That is, if Remus declines his invitation.' Sirius was properly shocked and angry for three seconds before he realized it was a joke.

'Well,' he said importantly. 'An uncle of mine left me with some galleons, so I'm going to rent out an apartment of my own, though Merlin knows what my mother's going to do to him. No more leeching off your parents, James old boy.'

Peter looked thoughtful. 'A job with the Ministry,' he said. 'I think I'll stay close to home for a while first, though. You know, just take a break from school and work.'

Remus didn't want to say anything. He didn't have anything grand mapped out for himself, being a realist, but he didn't want to disappoint his friends. 'I believe I'll go back home with my parents. Maybe work at the family store. Travel some. I don't know.'

'That's it?' Sirius asked. 'You could do anything you wanted, and you're just going to help out with the family business for the rest of your life?' Well, what else did Sirius want him to do? He didn't have any money, and he was a werewolf. 'You could share my apartment,' he suggested. 'Don't worry about rent. When I get my share of the Black fortune turning eighteen, we won't have to worry about that.'

'Sirius, I don't know...'

'You can pay your way by cooking, all right? I can't cook, you can figure it out, and we'll call ourselves even.' Sirius held out his hand, a glint in his eye. 'What do you say?'

Remus hesitated, reached out, and shook his hand. 'I'd just like to say right now, that I only like the most finely imported tea. It's quite expensive. And first edition books, as well. Possibly a storage room of chocolate.'

'Whatever you want, Moony, I'll get it for you.'

"When did Dad ask Mum to marry him?" The thought of his parents brings a light to Harry Potter's eyes. One that's been absent recently.

James Potter proposed to Lily Evans a total of three times. Each time, he would be beaten down for a few nights, while Sirius filled him with Firewhiskey, Remus filled him with advice, and Peter filled him with encouragement.

The first time was about a year after graduation. Remus and Sirius were having a grand old time as roguish bachelors, capturing the hearts of women. Although, really, upon reflection this life consisted more of the two of them eating noodles and staying up late into the night playing Exploding Snap. The many women that fell into enthrallment consisted of many young girls who seemed to be drawn to Sirius's vivacity and Remus's mild outer exterior. In addition to the young girls, many middle aged mothers also fell in love with them, thinking it wonderful that an eighteen year old boy (almost nineteen, though!) would play with their daughters, and how the other would read stories to them. The final group consisted of three girls their own age, two of which saw the flat, and only one who saw it more than twice.

When James Potter went out that evening near the end of June, he was filled with nerves, and a thin underlying confidence. Sirius and Remus waited eagerly at home, mostly looking at the clock and watching the front door. James burst in a bedraggled mess, and announced that the answer at been no.

The next morning, when he was significantly less drunk, although much more in pain, James explained that she thought they were too young. Not even nineteen yet. However, after another week went by, James regained the old spring in his step when he learned that Lily hadn't meant she would never marry him, just not in the near future.

The second proposal took place at Lily's nineteenth birthday party the following March. They had all given her presents, and eaten sufficient amounts of cake, and were trying very hard to sit still so as not to disturb said cake, when James jumped up and pulled a ring out of his pocket. Her parents said nothing (although her father turned a strange shade of red, Remus noticed), and the Marauders said nothing (although Sirius was fighting sniggers behind his hand, Remus noticed), and the other guests said nothing.

Lily did, however. And she said, 'No.'

Another night of drinking seemed to take away the immediate pain of situation, and again, weeks later James had regained his manic energy, filled with the belief that one day Lily Evans would agree to marry him. He just hoped it would be before they got too much older, as Lily was bound to find a bloke at the Ministry she fancied more than James, and he was forever worried that some girl that would grudgingly respect marriage would not accept a girlfriend response, and enchant him.

Still, it was over a year before James screwed up his courage one last time. So it was, that on May 12th, a full three years after their graduation from Hogwarts, that Lily Evans agreed to marry James Potter. Their wedding took place five months later, in September, as Lily had insisted that she had always wanted to be married outside when it wouldn't be too hot. Sirius politely pointed out that there were parts of England that were downright chilly, even in July. James told him to stuff it.

The wedding was lovely, as was to be expected, even if a bit chilly. Peter managed not to trip over anything important, and Sirius managed not to scare Petunia too much, and Remus found himself talking to people he didn't even know. The reception went off without a hitch, as did Sirius's speech, and really, the only problem presented itself in that most of the cake ended up on the bride and groom's fronts than in the guests mouths.

Lily and James had already left the reception when midnight was approaching. Remus sat at a table, downing the last of the champagne, wondering if he was sober enough to Apparate back to the apartment or not. Sirius collapsed in the chair next to him, palms pressing into his eyelids. 'Great wedding,' he commented. 'You know, now that James is married I'm going have to spend about twice the amount of time with you.'

'The Ministry outlawed cruel and unusual punishment, Padfoot. I'm afraid that won't be possible.' He stared half-drunkenly to the dance floor where a few people had collected enough energy to dance some.

The song ended, and the song director yawned. 'What do you say to one more before I call it quits?' he asked, before starting the last tune.

Remus downed the last of his glass. 'A slow one, of course. What is it? They think that just because two people got married everybody else is going to be inspired to do wildly romantic things or appreciate this sort of thing? For all he knows the only guests left are lonely and half-pissed. Which actually, is probably pretty accurate if you think about it.' Merlin, he was rambling. Remus reminded himself that drinking in moderation was a plan to be followed in the future.

'Dance with me,' Sirius said suddenly, getting to his feet, and holding out a hand for Remus.

'Sirius, what?'

'Just dance with me. I'm being wildly romantic and I appreciate this song. Come on. Just one dance and then we'll find someway to get home that doesn't involve splinching.' Without waiting for a reply, he grabbed Remus's hand and dragged him out onto the dance floor. Once had had gotten over the sensation that the floor was rising up to meet him, Remus clung to Sirius and they rotated slowly across the floor.

'What do you think about the Order that Dumbledore is creating?' Remus asked. 'I mean, you're planning on joining it, aren't you?'

Sirius nodded. 'Of course I am. Where else do you get the chance to kill a Dark Lord? There a reason you brought it up?'

'Not particularly. I was just thinking, that when we join what if something happens really soon and James and Lily have to cut their honeymoon short and then what if one of them gets fatally wounded or something and then it will be like their marriage never really happened in the first place, because you know, a week is really nothing to brag about, and-'

Sirius was placing a hand firmly over his mouth. 'Stop talking, please.' The song petered out. There was scattered applause, and then Sirius managed to pinch some Floo powder, and within no time they were stumbling throughout the flat. It was when they were in the bathroom, attempting to brush away the taste of alcohol that it happened. 'I love you, you know,' Sirius said.

'I know,' Remus replied.

And they kissed.

"I know?" Harry interrupts, eyebrows raised above his slipping glasses. "I know? What kind of response is that exactly?"

A truthful one.

Harry laughs, and takes his glasses off, wiping the rims with his dampening T-shirt. "Honestly, sometimes I don't understand you. Actually, most of the time I don't. So, what happened next?"

The Order happened next. The Marauders and Lily were accepted into the Order and so began Remus's first steady job. He worked as intelligence for Dumbledore. During meetings he wrote down everything they weren't sure about, and made it his business to make sure that they would be sure about it at the next meeting. He was paid next to nothing, but it didn't matter, because Sirius's Gringotts account was in no danger of running low.

After the first kiss in the bathroom, others followed. At strange intervals, and during strange times, but they happened. More often at first, and then later, not at all. Sirius was strained when Remus saw him, which sometimes was only at a weekly meeting. They were only ever able to talk late at night, and then the talks turned into shouting matches.

Voldemort and Death Eaters were faced, Lily and James escaped danger, and Sirius kissed Remus again. He apologized for his stress, and Remus apologized for not being more accepting of his stress, and they both cheered when they were invited to the Potter's for Christmas. Sirius asked quite bluntly if Lily was pregnant yet, which caused him to get hit with a variety of different objects.

After the New Year Remus started spending all his time away from the apartment again, and nearly all of it was spent either in the library or in dodgy places talking to dodgy characters. The full moon was hardly ever a problem. Sirius always made time free, and James was able to occasionally. One time, Remus forgot and ended up nearly tearing an innocent bystander apart.

The next morning when he woke up, and saw Sirius beside the bed, hands in his face, he asked, 'Did something happen?'

Sirius let out a sob. 'You're all right.'

'Of course I'm all right. I've been doing this since I was eight. Sirius, what's the matter? What happened last night?'

He took his hands away from his face, and smiled at Remus with swollen eyes. 'It's not important. I'll tell you when you're better.'

More meetings came and went, the Death Eaters were faced again, Lily and James dueled with Voldemort, several full moons passed by safely, and Peter wrote to say that he would be back from the States by July.

Problems arose, as was to be expected. Remus had a particularly lengthy conversation with Dumbledore, and afterwards returned to the flat to bid farewell to Sirius. He knew it wouldn't be easy sneaking away, and Sirius would make it as hard as possible, but he hadn't quite anticipated what did happen.

'Where are you going?' Sirius asked sulkily.

'Just away, Sirius. You know that I can't tell you exactly where. And if anybody asks you I'm visiting my parents for a few weeks. I should be back by mid-June. The noodles are in the pantry, and be careful not to turn the oven on high.' He stood there waiting for a response, but Sirius remained wooden, his gaze not leaving the wall. 'I'll miss you as well,' Remus said, rolling his eyes.

Still, Sirius didn't reply. Remus gathered his suitcase (which had been given to him as a graduation present from his parents) and started for the door.

'I don't think you should go.'

It was so soft that Remus nearly missed it. He paused at the half-opened doorway and turned with some difficulty. 'Excuse me?'

'I don't think you should go,' Sirius repeated, his voice growing louder. 'I don't want you to go, it'll get you killed.'

Remus scoffed. 'It will not get me _killed_, Sirius, it's an intelligence operation, not some high profile assassination attempt. I'm not going to get into any duels or arguments. Safe. It will be safe.'

Sirius didn't look convinced. 'How many times have you told me that? When you go out and do business for the Order, it isn't kept secret because it's safe.' He twisted now to face Remus. 'They keep it secret so if you die nobody else knows why.'

'Don't be ridiculous, they don't-'

'How would you know? I've seen you return from these little trips in the past, Moony, and let me tell you, you're not exactly in the greatest condition when you come back.'

Remus shrugged. 'I'm never in the greatest condition. And since when did you start caring? You're not my mother, you know.'

A huff of air escaped from between Sirius's lips. 'Excuse me for being concerned about my best mate's well being. I'll never do it again.'

'There's a difference between concern and needless worry, Sirius, and... I thought James was your best friend. He always has been. Why the sudden change?' Stubborn silence was his only reply. Remus set his things down and crossed his arms, not unlike a teacher demanding to know why a certain prank was pulled. 'Don't try to give me that we both are, Sirius, you don't say things like that on accident.'

'You've never felt that the two of us have been pushed to the side since James married Lily?' Sirius asked, his voice soft again.

'Well, of course we have, Sirius, James is married now he can't afford to go romping around with his friends every night. He has responsibilities at home. How can you say this doesn't make him your best mate anymore?'

'Did you listen to their vows?' Sirius was picking at his robes now, having returned to staring at the wall opposite him. Remus imagined that this was merely the result of thinking and not intentional avoidance.

Remus quietly nudged his things aside to get the door closed. 'Well, it was a bit difficult to hear them, considering I wasn't up quite as close, but yes I heard a great deal of them.'

'Lily's his new best friend, Remus. He told her that. He said, "I believe that we should not only marry the only person in our heart but the truest and greatest friend we've ever had".' He stopped picking at his robes and instead chose to bury his face in his hands. 'I'm such an idiot. I figure I'm the only person who loses sleep over these things.'

Remus found that Sirius was constantly doing things everyday that startled him for different reasons. Attempting to cook pasta, for example, over the fireplace. Or stealing his crossword puzzles and changing the clues and the answers so that it formed a message. This revelation, however, was not something he felt he knew quite how to handle. With pasta, Remus merely had to smile and transfer it to the stove. While with the crossword puzzles he just had to sit through and solve them.

Unsure of what to do, Remus rocked back and forth on his heels, a habit that he had trained out of himself during his years at Hogwarts, a tendency that was distracting while giving oral reports. 'It's not uncommon to feel abandoned after one of your friends gets married,' he started. 'Occasionally I find myself becoming upset with Lily, but that's just the way it works. Would you rather they split in a few years because they didn't truly love each other?'

This caused Sirius to look up. 'Of course not! I would knock James about the head if what he did wasn't the smartest move he ever made. We've just been best mates since first year, and it hurts to realize that it's not quite the case anymore.'

Remus hesitated for a moment, before crossing the flat, and sitting down next to Sirius. He rested his arms on the tops of his knees and tried to discover exactly what was so interesting about the blank wall across from him. 'And instead of finding a wonderful replacement you've been stuck with a best friend who is gone for long periods of time, and when he does come home he scolds you for not keeping the flat clean.'

'I don't mind that so much, really.' A slight smile was starting to make its way across Sirius's features. 'You're really a fantastic best mate. That's why I don't want you to go. First I lose James to marriage, and if I lose you next it won't be because some stupid girl catches your eye.'

'For all you know, Sirius Black, my mysterious orders could be to go pick up the Princess of Bulgaria and marry her so that she is no longer the target of violent assassins.' Remus managed to earn a barking laugh from Sirius.

'I'm afraid if you brought your wife back here she would fall madly in love with me, and then where would that lead us?' His face had gained the transformation that Remus was hoping for. 'A great messy love triangle, that's where.'

'Prepare yourself then, for a triangle,' Remus said, and started to his feet.

Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him back down to his knees. 'If you're going to go, which I can tell you are, just promise me that you'll be careful. Don't go about accepting tea from strangers, and if you need to contact me, I'll come help you, and – don't get yourself, killed, all right? I couldn't live without you Moony.'

"I couldn't live without you either, Sirius," Harry says. "That's what you told him, isn't it? You replied with an, 'I couldn't live without you either, Sirius,' and then you kissed him and went on the mission and came back without a scratch on you." He waits for a moment and then laughs, slightly incredulously. "You _didn't_? You said something stupid like, 'Thank you' and left? What is wrong with you?"

Many things. For one, he turns into a great beast when the full moon comes around every month, and in addition he has quite an addiction to tea. Although whether chamomile or otherwise he has never truly decided.

Harry is laughing now. "All right, you've made a point. Continue."

'Sirius, you know that I couldn't live without you either – ' ("Ha!" Harry exclaims.) ' – so don't do something stupid like running after me. Get along with Snape, talk with James, and listen to Dumbledore. I'll see you in June.'

This time he did stand up and go to the door, and pick up his suitcase, and struggle with the door and square his shoulders. 'Good bye, Sirius,' he said, and walked out.

"So?" Harry prompts. "What happens next in the great relationship of moments that never happen? What did you do when you came back?"

It was in early July when Remus returned from the mission that Dumbledore sent him on. First, of course, he reported to the Headquarters. Talked with Dumbledore, gave his report, met with other members, gave them the information the needed to know, and was finally assaulted by Molly Weasley who insisted that he stay the night at the Burrow. Get some proper food and clothes.

They had made it no further than few steps out the front door, when a loud purring sound started. Molly sighed. 'Sirius and his new motorbike. Not only does it make a horrible ruckus, but it also _flies_. Can you imagine? Arthur had decided now that he wants to turn something Muggle into a flying contraption. I don't understand what the fascination is.'

Remus had found himself wondering over the month what Sirius had been doing with his time. Apparently, enchanting motorbikes to fly. The roaring grew louder, and then stopped, and out of nowhere in particular a figure came tearing from the darkness. Remus winced anticipating the oncoming hug.

Sirius stopped himself a few feet away, however. 'You're two weeks late, you stupid prat, and you expect me to forgive you when you show up looking like _that_? What did you do to yourself?'

'It was the wildlife,' Remus said, shrugging. 'I had a run in with a giant wolf.'

'Did you really, poor dear?' That was Molly Weasley. Sirius merely scowled at him. 'I've just been offering to take him in at the Burrow for a night, Sirius. He can Floo home in the morning.' The look across Sirius's face clearly read that he didn't approve of that decision. Remus, on the other hand, was quite content with getting worried over for a night, drinking some of Molly's excellent tea, and examining the collection of books that they strewn throughout the house. 'Do you remember where the Burrow is?' she asked. Remus nodded. 'Just Apparate there when you will, I'll start boiling some water.'

She disappeared with _crack! _And left Sirius and Remus standing in the semi-darkness. 'You said you'd be back by mid-June,' Sirius said.

'I was delayed.'

Surprisingly, Sirius didn't ask why. 'James and Lily decided that they want to have children while you were gone.'

'To fill the empty gap in their lives that my absence created, I suspect.'

'I'm sure.' Sirius fiddled with the helmet in his hands. 'Well, you should go let Molly mother over you. Although you'd think she has her fair share of it, what with six children already.' He shrugged. 'I missed you.'

'Sorry I'm late and in less than perfect condition.'

'I think the fact that you made it all is more important.' He shifted, his shoulders hunched slightly. 'Well, go then before we act like a couple of sixth year girls.'

It was announced in late December that the Potter's were expecting a child.

"So I was born the next July," Harry ponders aloud. You and Sirius patched things up. Sirius was named my Godfather. What else happened before I was born?"

Very much happened. It's hard to keep that span of time in order. Events seem to weave through each other and occur at the same time and months apart all at once.

"Well, what about me? I mean, how did I play a part in this whole thing?"

Sirius became very much like an anxious parent who is afraid that they will not love their child in the weeks before the birth. He kept fretting that he wouldn't be able to say that it was all right for Harry to become his Godson because he represented a disbanding of the Marauders. Harry would be that something more important than friendship, and even marriage in some respects.

That day though, July 31, Sirius exited the hospital with Remus, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 'I can't believe that they named me Godfather! Just imagine in, Moony, that little black haired boy is practically like my own son. I'll have to offer to baby-sit all the time. I need to prove myself.'

'Why don't you just make things easier and have some children of your own,' Remus suggested wryly.

Sirius balked. 'You've got to be kidding me. While I will always look on Harry James Potter as a son of my own, and will love him, and hold him, and rot his teeth away with sweets, I don't think that having some of my own would be particularly fitting. After all, they could suffer from Black dementia. I shudder to think. We'll just have to remain the ever-doting swinging bachelor uncles. I think Harry will look upon us as gods.'

Remus smiled. 'Yes, because most young boys want to be estranged from their insane families, and turn into a werewolf on the full moon. We will be the very picture of hip.'

A grin flashed at him. 'Undoubtedly so.'

Sirius was as good as his word. Around the beginning of September, Sirius felt that Harry had aged sufficiently and began offering to watch him for a night if James and Lily wanted to go do something special. Despite the fact that Sirius did not follow his namesake concerning many things, it was obvious that his intentions were anything but a joke, and by the beginning of October, the couple was beginning to accept his proposals.

Remus didn't mind it in the least bit. When he was home, he often found that he didn't have to do much more than sit on the couch and do the Daily Prophet crossword while Sirius tended to Harry. Much too young to do anything, the baby was often in bed a mere hour or two after they had been entrusted with his care.

By the time Christmas came, the sight of Remus and Sirius would be the cause of Harry's face lighting up delightedly. 'Babies don't lie,' Sirius would comment sagely, as he reached out to poke Harry's nose or let his finger be grabbed.

Harry was in bed before eight on Christmas, as his parents had let him stay up late the night before, reading story after story, and baking gingerbread. That left the Marauders and Lily sitting around the fireplace, surrounded by bits of wrapping paper and empty glasses of the best champagne a hundred sickles could buy.

'Why is it that nothing ever seems to happen on Christmas?' Sirius commented. 'Dark Lords don't get into the season of giving and caring do they? You'd think if they wanted to kill half the world and start anew with a reign of darkness they wouldn't give much thought to other people's happiness.'

'Maybe they still believe in Santa and are attempting to make themselves be on the good list by not attacking people,' Remus suggested. 'They spend the week leading up making as many cookies shaped like Merlin as they can, and leave them sitting on the mantelpiece.'

Sirius gasped. 'Santa doesn't exist?'

A chuckle went around the circle. 'Why is that you never seem to grow up, Sirius?' Lily asked slyly from her position curled up at James's side.

'Or get married for that matter?' James added.

Sirius held up his hands. 'Hold off the barrage, will you? It's Christmas. The sole reason I don't grow up.' He shot a pointed look at Lily. 'Or get married,' he added thoughtfully, motioning to the mistletoe floating mischievously about the ceiling.

James grinned. 'If you're married, though, you can snog somebody without using the excuse of mistletoe.'

'Well played. However, if you are not married, then you can snog whomever you choose, and have the convenient excuse of mistletoe. It's a sure way not to get yourself slapped by numerous women throughout the course of the night.'

Lily yawned. 'Women never turn down a snog from the great Sirius Black, so I don't see why you should need an excuse.'

'Lately, it seems, mere charm is not enough. I'm afraid that I've been eagerly anticipating Christmas to regain what I've lost.' He looked casually over at Remus, who pretended to be intently inspecting the ornaments hanging from the tree. 'Anyway, if I got married I'd have either kick Moony out of my apartment, or convince my wife that living with two men who have never had female influence is a splendid idea.'

'If you had a wife, you would not have to worry about her getting accustomed to the idea of living with two men,' Remus quipped. 'I certainly wouldn't want to be around at night.'

'This talk is entirely inappropriate talk with a baby in the house,' Lily managed to get around a rather large yawn.

'Yes, terribly inappropriate. His sleeping subconscious mind will hear us through the floor of his bedroom, and he will be forever scarred,' James added, his face a picture of graveness.

Lily hit him in the stomach. 'Some role model you are.'

'You as well, Lily darling. Hitting your poor baby's father. He'll have to grow up in a broken home, I suppose, lonely and afraid.' His face was solemn, although anybody with half the observational skills of a cricket could see that he was fighting to keep laughter from boiling to the surface.

'Well,' Sirius said, sitting up from his position, and pulling his arms over his head, 'this has all been terribly thrilling, but I'm afraid this conversation will continue to deteriorate in our current state of tiredness. I believe I am going to retire for the night.' He slowly climbed to his feet, wearing his new Falmouth Falcons jumper, with the motto of "Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us a break a few heads" emblazoned across the back.

Lily stretched from her position on the floor, and used James's shoulder as a push off. Then held out her hand to help him up. 'I think we should all go to bed. If you can't get to sleep there are massive amounts of hot chocolate and peppermint in the kitchen. Feel to wake James up at your leisure.'

He laughed and grabbed her sides. 'Excuse me, miss, but I believe I need beauty sleep just as much as you do.'

'Who could ever tell with your hair?' she replied, reaching out and ruffling his black hair, then pushing it back the way he used to do when he still thought that sort of things impressed girls like Lily Evans.

Sooner or later, every toothbrush was found and used, and every bed was crawled into, and every set of eyes closed tiredly. That is, excepting Remus Lupin, who kept his eyes closed for all of ten minutes before sitting up restlessly. He wasn't really that surprised; the full moon was coming up in just a few days. That never failed to inspire insomnia.

He sat up and pulled on his new cardigan (courtesy of the parents), then wrapping it around himself went to go perch on the window's ledge. Even with the curtains pulled protectively shut, the light still seeped through the little gaps where the threads didn't quite touch. There was a small pinhole in the right curtain, where something had worn away at it. He watched the silver light stream through this tiny hole for some time.

Reaching out, almost reverently, he felt the green and white checkers beneath his fingers, running over the tiny hole with his thumb, trying to feel each individual thread through the callous. Trying to decide if that's how the hole had appeared in the first place.

Finally, he drew it aside and looked up into the night sky. The moon hung there, like a hammer positioned to fall, glaring at him in warning.

'Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head. Or really, I suppose, his head. I thought you might not be able to sleep.'

Remus closed his eyes against the moon to shut out the light, and possibly other things as well. 'Sirius.' Footsteps sounded against the floorboards, lightly padding, until there was a hand resting on Remus's shoulder that was not his own. Remus was careful not to open his eyes. 'No dreams of sugar plum fairies for me.'

'We could go take up Lily's suggestion.'

'No. I'm fine.'

The pressure left his shoulder. However, Sirius Black had never been anything if not stubborn, and he seated himself across the sill, drawing aside the left curtain. Remus could tell, because suddenly his protection was gone, and he was a child again, cringing from the moon. But twenty-two is much too old to be afraid of something harmless most of the days of the year, and he said nothing. 'I'd really like to talk to you, Moony.' Remus pressed his forehead against his right knee. 'I _need_ to talk to you. Remus, please, I've hardly seen you all month, and it's Christmas. You're supposed to be exuding goodwill towards all men. Come on, let's go try some of that hot cocoa.'

Reluctantly leaving his spot on the sill, Remus followed Sirius down the stairs, shaking his head, each time Sirius made the move to jump and skip the next four steps laid out before him. 'Don't you even think of waking the others up,' he hissed about halfway down. Sirius winked at him, and lightly ran down the rest. Only the bottom one creaked in protest.

By the time Remus had worked his way down the steps – having frozen worriedly each time one breathed in protest – Sirius was already hard at work stirring two steaming mugs of cocoa. He held one out in offering, a smile on his face. 'I don't see what you're so worried about. Peter has always slept like a log, and I doubt that much would disturb Lily and James at the moment.'

If he hadn't grown used to such comments during his nine year reign as Sirius's friend, Remus felt that he would have either spilt the cocoa in his lap or blushed brightly. As it was, he merely snorted into the mug and took a sip. 'You never think of anything else, do you?'

Sirius shook his head. 'Not with all of this floating about,' he motioned to a sprig of mistletoe, waving around the kitchen doorway, 'I find it very hard not to think about such things.'

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, sipping on cocoa that was still a bit too hot. Sirius crunched into a peppermint, and ignored the disapproving look he received. Or, at least, he pretended to, as his next crunch was decidedly more enthusiastic.

'You dragged me down to this kitchen for a reason, Sirius. What did you want to talk to me about?' A very wide range of possibilities came to mind. Some were more obvious, some were very obscure, and many were unlikely.

Sirius stirred the remnants of his mug with the remnants of his peppermint stick for a moment, before gathering courage and looking up. 'It's just that, well, it's Christmas, and I figure this is the time to do things. First, I wanted to say I'm sorry about you leaving on business for the Order. I know it's you doing what you have to do for the sake of the wizarding world, it's just that sometimes I wish that I was more important than the fate of millions, you know?' He set his mug down, and the words the followed were disbelieving. 'It's been years, I know, but instead of moving on, I'm afraid that my love for you gets more acute each day. When you're around, I don't care what I say, because you're there, and that's the thing that matters. When you leave I'm faced with something I don't want to face alone. I've told you this before, but I just figured I should tell you again, because it's been awhile. I love you, Remus John Lupin. Your ridiculous middle name, and the way you eat Honeydukes chocolate like ambrosia, and finish the crossword in under ten minutes sometimes, or the fact that you actually taken a minute to brush your teeth.'

It shouldn't have come as a surprise to him, Sirius Black's confession of love, but Remus felt that even though he had known this all along, it was suddenly very real, and waiting for him to confront it. In Lily and James's kitchen of all places.

He stared at Sirius, who was obviously waiting on tenterhooks with bated breath, probably on the point of passing out from oxygen deprivation, and yet still berating himself for not saying more when he had the chance.

Well, there was a simple solution to this problem, or at least a simple answer, and without Christmas no answer really would have been helpfully provided.

Remus leaned forward and placed a kiss on Sirius's lips. When he leaned back again, Sirius was staring at him dazedly. 'The mistletoe,' he said, pointing upwards. 'You saw the mistletoe, didn't you?'

'Sod the mistletoe,' Remus said.

"Finally!" Harry exclaims joyfully, a laugh bursting from him. "It took you long enough! Well done, good show. You did...not ignore that night, right?"

Christmas night was certainly impossible to ignore. Not that either Remus or Sirius really wanted to anyway.

The only perceptible difference really lay in the kisses, which became more frequent, poorly timed, and harder to stop. One point, mid-January, Remus suddenly realized that his hands were doing their best to unbutton Sirius's shirt, while Sirius's were trying to tug Remus's sweater over his head.

'Wait,' Remus said breathlessly. 'We're still in Headquarters. Not a good idea.'

From the area somewhere around Remus's collarbone came Sirius's voice. 'We're nearly in the attic, 'course it's a good idea.'

As usually happened, Remus's point was soon proven, and Sirius's disproved when a pair of feet sounded on the stairs, padding softly. Jumping apart, Remus did his best to fix his hair (which unlike his friends was never mussed), and Sirius to re-button his shirt. Both managed to clear throats and heads by the time the feet had reached the top of the stairs.

'H'lo Severus,' greeted Remus, doing his best to ignore the daggers that were being exchanged. 'What's the situation?'

Looking more sullen than usual, Severus Snape looked determinedly away from Sirius. 'Dumbledore wants to talk with you, Lupin. Not _you_,' he added, as Sirius made a move to go down the stairs as well.

'I'm not going to stand around at the top of the stairs by myself,' Sirius retorted, pushing his way past Snape and making his way heavily down the steps.

Remus sighed. 'He's just, well, he's just Sirius.'

Snape shook his head. 'You don't have to make apologies for the great dog. Never did. He's quite mistaken if he thinks that I like him anymore than I let on.' It was strange, the way that Snape loathed Remus. Almost as if Remus didn't have friends like James Potter and Sirius Black, then he really wouldn't loathe Remus at all. As it was, his glare was still spread across his face. 'Dumbledore will be waiting then.' He turned and swept down the stairs, hardly making a sound on the way down.

"So, how long did that last? Until my parents were killed in October, I suppose."

Not quite that long.

"Well. September then?"

It seemed that the argumentative side of Sirius had finally buried itself for good, when he took Harry in for a weekend in May, and Remus left on a trip.

He returned to chaos.

James and Lily had asked Sirius to take Harry in for a weekend. Being the ever doting Godfather, Sirius had quickly agreed, and then become sullen immediately afterwards when Remus returned from Headquarters stating that he would be gone for the weekend, figuring information out for Dumbledore.

On Sunday night, Remus had received an urgent owl, and traveled back to England as quickly as possible. James and Lily had foiled Voldemort again, but just barely, and Harry's life had been dangerously at risk. Sirius demanded exactly why Remus couldn't have just stayed for Harry, and exactly what he had to go off to do.

'I can't just tell Dumbledore to sod off, Sirius.'

'Yes you bloody well can!' Sirius yelled back. 'Do you know what happened this weekend? Pretty inconvenient time to be sent away, if you ask me. Don't you care about Harry at all?'

'Of _course_ I care about Harry, but this isn't a matter of taking care of him, it's-'

'FOLLOWING ORDERS IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS VOLDEMORT, REMUS!' Sirius was getting angry, and when he got angry he got unmanageable, and refused to listen to reason whatsoever, no matter how valiantly Remus tried.

'Listen, following orders is helping to defeat Voldemort. They're just as important as taking care of Harry.'

That was a mistake. Sirius turned an odd shade of red. 'NOTHING IS AS IMPORTANT AS A HUMAN LIFE! AN INNOCENT, HUMAN CHILD!'

'As opposed to an innocent, goblin child? Really, Sirius, you're being unreasonable.'

'I AM NOT!' he raged. 'I DON'T SEE HOW YOU COULD SAY THAT!'

Remus stifled the urge to yell himself. 'Friday and Saturday night were both full moons, Sirius. I would have merely been a danger to Harry.'

Sirius's face dropped for a moment, before he got angry again. 'Why didn't you tell me? Peter could have handled Harry for a few nights!'

'He was in the States. So I didn't tell you.'

'WHY?'

'Because you would have done something stupid and impulsive!' Remus snapped back. 'I will not have allowances made for me just because I'm a werewolf, Sirius! I cause enough problems for myself!'

His eyes narrowed. 'Problems like how you were supposed to carry out orders while the moon was full. What were you really doing?'

'I can't tell you that, Sirius, we've been over it a million times before.'

'I DON'T CARE. LAST TIME I CHECKED PEOPLE DON'T NORMALLY MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR HALF-' he stopped, a look of disbelief on his face. Like a master ventriloquist had been speaking the words for him.

Remus didn't particularly care by this point. No matter how much Sirius hated his family, there was some breeding that you could never seem to completely expel from yourself. This was one of those instances. 'Go on, Sirius. Finish what you were going to say.'

He had calmed down now from nearly spouting disaster. 'People normally don't understand werewolves, Remus, that's all I was trying to say.'

'No.' He shook his head. 'They don't normally trust us half-breeds, do they? The dangerous scourge of the earth, the thing that will eat their children without a thought, they don't like us much. We lie, cheat, and steal, and we enjoy it. Say it. Don't be afraid. _Half breed_.'

'I wasn't trying to call you names, I was just-'

'I know. I think I should leave now.' He started for his room and summoned his suitcase, which had become particularly battered on his last trip. Throwing a few essentials, and summoning a few more, he clasped it shut, and threw the front door open.

Sirius started forward.

'Leave me alone,' he said fiercely. A stone felt like it was dropping to the pit of his stomach.

'Remus, please, I know I was being a prat,' he reached out and laid a hand on Remus's shoulder.

Remus shrugged it off. 'I said leave me the _fuck_ alone, Sirius.' And then Remus Lupin, who never got angry, and always forgave, and certainly never swore, turned and left the flat he had been sharing with Sirius for over a year. He left and went to Peter Pettigrew's, knocking miserably on the door.

Peter made room without any questions, and agreed to not tell Sirius anything.

Harry looks slightly ill. "So Sirius suspected you of being up to something because you were gone for the weekend, and then you got angry with him because of his suspicions, and went to Peter's house, and the whole time it was him..." He shakes his head. "How long did you stay there? I mean, Sirius got over you being gone, and realized that I was all right soon enough didn't he?"

Remus didn't talk to Sirius again until July 31st. Lily and James invited both of them to Harry's first birthday party without hesitation. Lily told Remus, with no words minced whatsoever, that he was going to see her son blow out a candle, and eat the cake that she had spent hours making, and if it was that difficult, he just had to not to talk to Sirius. _Honestly_.

So it happened that they both showed up on the Potter's doorstep early on in the afternoon. Lily let them in distractedly, then ran off into the kitchen again, as it smelled like something was burning, when really she thought she had taken everything out of the oven...

James called out a hello from upstairs, but was busy fighting Harry into his clothes after a rather squirmy bath. 'It'll take ten minutes! You two know what to do with yourselves!' Remus felt that he knew perfectly well that they didn't.

They stood there awkwardly next to each other for a few moments. 'So, I'll just go see what they've done with the backyard then,' Sirius said.

'I'll see if Lily needs help in the kitchen,' Remus said.

From that point forward they effectively avoided talking to each other for the rest of the afternoon. It wasn't five minutes before the next guests showed up, and soon Remus felt that it would have been quite impossible to talk to Sirius even if he had wanted to.

Reasons being that all the parents wanted to hear a detailed report on how everything was going with the Order, and with his life, and Sirius was covered in children, rolling around on the lawn.

Nearing eight, guests began to leave, and Remus helped Lily with the dishes while Sirius remained outside to help James take down the decorations. Harry was having himself a nap on the couch in the family room.

'You're an idiot, you know,' Lily commented, handing Remus a soapy dish to dry.

'The reason being?' he asked, taking the platter from her hands.

She huffed slightly, a sound that told him she knew that he knew perfectly why she had made that comment. 'You should talk to him. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Besides, Peter is gone half the time, and that you leaves you alone. I just don't think that's healthy, to spend so much time alone.'

'Between you and Molly Weasley I scarcely have a spare minute to myself,' he replied, setting the platter aside, and taking the plate that Lily was proffering.

Another huff of air escaped her lips. 'That's not the same, and you know that perfectly well. Is there really any harm in just talking to him? Talking never did anything.'

'Obviously you've never seen him have a discourse with Snape before.'

Remus was quite sure, that by this point Lily Potter was ready to take the large pitcher in her hands and toss it at his head. 'Remus Lupin, go make up with Sirius this instant! Both of you have been such a bother, it's getting to the point of ridiculousness! And if he stays here tonight and I have to hear him moan one more time about "he's never going to stop hating me, is he?" then I will personally hex you to the moon. And that's a promise. _Go_.'

She half shoved him out of the kitchen, and Remus was just debating with himself whether or not he should venture out onto the back porch, when Sirius stormed in, muttering to himself. 'Easier said than done, James. Why don't _you_ try talking to Lily after she...' he looked, startled. 'Hullo, Remus.'

'James forced you as well, eh?' Remus asked, not attempting with too much effort to conceal the smile that threatened to break across his face.

Sirius stared at him in disbelief. 'They double-teamed us? I can't believe it.' He opened the back door and stuck his head out. 'You will pay for this, James Potter! Do you hear me? Pay!' He then pushed himself back inside. 'Shall we talk, then?'

They went into the family room. Sirius seated himself uneasily on the couch, while Remus chose to stand by the fireplace, and stare at the clock seated on the mantelpiece. Silence enveloped them predictably before Sirius cleared his throat.

'Were you planning on ever returning to the flat?' he asked.

Remus turned. 'I'm not sure. Doing pretty well for myself at Peter's. Not as nice, certainly, but I can afford the rent in this place.' He rocked on his heels slightly. 'Let me install bookshelves on one of the walls, as well.'

Sirius rubbed his chin. 'You'll be wanting to clear me out, then?' He paused. 'I can tell you that I'm getting more than slightly bored with eating noodles.' Remus tried not to smile at this. 'You're all right with the, I mean, how have the full moons been?'

'Not so bad, really,' Remus shrugged in reply. He knew it was a lie to describe even the best of full moons as not so bad, really, but he couldn't tell the truth. Sirius was already a hairbreadth's away from going ballistic as it was.

The way Sirius shook his head seemed to say _Bollocks_. 'As long as you're doing all right then - '

'I am.'

' – I don't see why we need to worry ourselves. You still know how to get in so you can pick up all your books?'

'I do.'

Sirius stood up, cleared his throat, and straightened. 'I'll see you around, Lupin.' He held out his hand, which Remus shook.

That was a lie.

"Wait." Harry is shaking his head with confusion, and possibly denial. "You're telling me that after all this time being friends, and trusting each other, and... well. You just sort of broke things off? Weren't friends anymore? How? Why?"

It's easy to forget that by the time of Lily and James's death, Sirius suspected Remus of being a traitor, and vice versa. The less they saw of each other, the easier life was.

The night of Halloween, Remus decided that he just wanted to stay home. Peter announced that he was going to stop by the Potter's and help them hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He expected Sirius would be there too, to terrify them.

His behavior would have been suspicious, had Remus taken a second to really pay attention to what he was saying. During his speech, he kept twisting his robes in his hand, and more than once he cleared his throat.

Other than a few slight differences though, he acted like the Peter that Remus had known since they were eleven years old. He didn't sacrifice goats in the kitchen, or chant strange foreign languages under his breath (unless French counted, honestly). All in all, Peter Pettigrew acted just the same the night he planned to kill two of his best friends, as he had all the previous nights leading up to it.

Remus had just decided to put his novel down and get some rest, when he heard shouting and footsteps outside the apartment. Suddenly the door to his room burst open. 'Lupin, is that you?' one of the shadows asked.

He squinted against the light that framed them. 'Yes. Is something the matter?'

'It's Lily and James,' Arthur Weasley stepped forward, his face weary, and sat down on the foot of the bed. 'They've been...the Dark Mark is floating above the rubble of their house.'

'The rubble?'

Arthur swallowed. 'Maybe you'd like to see.'

Remus couldn't think of anything he'd like to see less than the smoking remains of a place where two of his best friends used to live, and yet he nodded anyway. 'They're alive though, right? I mean, Lily and James made it out.'

The slight hesitation in Arthur's face, the slight twitch of his mouth was all the answer that he needed. 'Harry survived. He'll be going to stay with his aunt and uncle until he starts at Hogwarts.'

Harry survived. Lily and James were dead. 'Voldemort will go after him, though.' Arthur winced at the name. 'He'll never be safe living with Muggles. Why isn't Dumbledore taking him into safekeeping?'

'Because He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is also dead,' Arthur told him, brightening somewhat. 'Harry killed him. We don't know how, but he did. And now we're saved.'

'Oh.' What was he supposed to say? 'Jolly good.' Arthur stood up and started for the door, saying something about giving Remus time to put on some robes before going to Godric's Hollow. Remus thought of something. 'Hang on a minute, Arthur. Did they find out who the insider was? Who betrayed them.'

He shook his head. 'Not yet. I suspect we'll find out soon enough. We'll keep you posted about it.'

Peter did not return that night, or the next day. Remus had heard accounts from Hagrid that Sirius had gone off with a glint in his eye – and even given up the motorbike – so he didn't bother trying contact there. Finally, around supper, a knock sounded on the door.

It was Dumbledore. The air of merriment that seemed to be a necessity of his character wasn't there. Remus stood up from his seat at the kitchen table. 'What's the news?' he asked.

'Peter Pettigrew is dead.' His head reeled, and Remus sank heavily back into the chair.

'Who killed him?'

There was a moment of hesitation, in which Remus sensed that Dumbledore was torn between just telling the truth and mincing his words to soften the blow. He decided to go with the more straightforward answer.

'Sirius Black.'

"Wow," Harry breathes softly. "Just like that. Sirius was put in jail and you didn't see him for thirteen years until that night at the Shrieking Shack." An odd look crosses his face.

That's not entirely the truth. Remus did see Sirius one last time after Halloween, the involved bars and Dementors, and a fair amount of yelling.

"Did he tell you?"

No.

"Why not? I mean, you could have avoided thirteen years of false accusation if would have told you." Harry is getting that look on his face. The one that says that if one thing had gone different then Sirius would still be alive today.

When they caught and arrested Sirius on the street, he was laughing like a madman. He was sent straight to Azkaban without trial, and when he managed to finally calm down, it was discovered that his mind was quite frayed. It took much begging and pleading and paperwork on his part to get the Ministry to allow him a single visitor. Then, it took more begging and pleading to get Remus to agree to visit him, and loads more paperwork when he finally did.

Three days before Christmas, everything was cleared, and Remus boarded the lone and empty ferry that went to Azkaban. He spent most of the time shivering on deck, standing next to a guard. 'It's almost Christmas,' he said. 'Why aren't more family members on here?'

The guard laughed, and after that Remus didn't try to ask him anymore questions.

No matter how descriptive one gets about Azkaban, the high, craggy rocks, or the spiraling towers, or the sense it gives of great despair, even from a distance, nothing can truly convey what it's like to step inside.

Just because guests are innocent, that doesn't mean that the Dementors leave them alone. A werewolf could no sooner refuse to howl at the moon.

Remus was led down a stone hallway, Dementors looming on each side, prisoners calling out, or muttering to themselves, or simply rock, rock, rocking back and forth. Finally, they came to a halt, outside a cell that must have been surrounded by ten different Dementors. Remus shivered. 'Do they have to stay?' he managed to get out through his glued shut throat.

The guard shook his head. 'Not all, but I'm afraid you'll have to handle at least three of them. Your friend isn't the kind to instill trust around here.'

'He's not my friend,' Remus said.

A shrug from the guard, who had obviously heard it all before. He motioned to the Dementors, and when he walked off down the stone hallway, seven followed him and positioned themselves temporarily outside new cells.

Sirius was crouched against the farthest wall, hugging his chest protectively. Remus wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to do. 'Sirius?' he ventured, and quailed. He had promised himself that he wouldn't say anything too personal. He would only address Sirius by his surname.

An eye cracked open, visible through his black hair. Although it had been two months, the hair was obviously fighting against mats, struggling to hold onto its old regality. Sirius and his hair both knew it was only a matter of time.

'Moony,' he said quietly. Remus imagined that a smile would have made its way across his features, if he could remember happiness. 'You came. I hoped you would.'

There was a sense of calmness in Sirius that was not present in the other prisoners. Remus was shocked to see the old Sirius spread across his face, and softness appearing in his eye. How could this pitiful picture be the traitor to his best friends? Remus wondered if this is what he had looked like that night. If just before he handed them over to Voldemort, a wave of sorrow washed over him, made him hesitate.

No, probably not, Remus thought. Despite all other insistence otherwise, Sirius was nothing more than another Black. Another heartless, cruel, pureblooded creature interested in helping the true and righteous to make them more powerful.

That's what he wanted to believe more than anything. That was they way that Sirius often appeared in his dreams. Laughing at him, mocking him for believing deception. More than anything, Remus had blamed himself for Lily and James's death. He lived with Sirius, he thought that he had known Sirius better than that. He should have realized it.

Instead he chose to believe the picture that Sirius presented.

'How have the moon's been?' Sirius asked quietly.

'As well as to be expected,' Remus replied. He wasn't sure whether he was proud of the edge in his voice or not.

There was another pause. Sirius climbed to his feet and approached the bars. He leaned against them, hands holding on to cold iron. 'How's the money situation been?'

'Again, as well as to be expected.' That was to say, he'd have to give up both flats, and find some hovel of a place that he could afford with the many jobs he would run through.

'Have a job?'

'At the moment.' He'd held three since Sirius had been shipped away, laughing at Remus through the _Daily Prophet_. Sirius seemed to have run out of things to ask about, aside from the weather, which was too surreal even for this conversation. 'What did you want to see me for?' Remus asked finally, knowing that he wouldn't want to hear the answer.

'To tell you the truth,' Sirius said after a moment.

'I know the truth,' Remus told him coldly. 'You're the reason that Lily and James are dead, and that Peter's dead, and Harry is living with relations who will hate him for what he is.'

Sirius turned his head away very quickly, but it was impossible to miss the expression that crossed his face in that brief second. His last rock, his last hope, was gone. Remus Lupin, the most logical, rational person he knew, he who would not form opinions until he'd heard the entire story, had made up his mind. Sirius Black was a traitor.

'Yes, well...' Sirius trailed off, his face still turned away. Remus decided that it was time for him to leave. 'Just, take of yourself, all right? I've got money in an account at Gringotts if you need it. Just ask for 271, name of Stubby Boardman. And don't be afraid to let Molly Weasley feed you if she wants to, and never think that you're responsible for all of this. Always remember too, that I love you, Remus Lupin.' His voice choked and he didn't continue.

Remus said, 'I'm sorry you feel that way. Good bye.'

'You'll come back?'

'Good _bye_, Black.'

Harry is oddly quiet. Remus thinks he must be trying to formulate a way to phrase his new question, but instead Harry lets out a strange sort of choking sound. "He was innocent the whole time. Why didn't he just tell you what happened?"

That answer should be obvious enough.

"Well, it really doesn't..." Harry trails off, a new understanding washing over him. "You wouldn't have believed him. You would have thought he was making up excuses for his behavior, and at night you would try harder than ever to hate him." He lets out a long sigh. "Thirteen years until you saw him again. What did you do?"

Besides his job at Hogwarts, Remus held many positions. A job at the _Daily Prophet_ as a journalist, and then a photographer, and then a job in a library in London, followed by a job at a bookshop just outside London, and many no jobs.

Existence was just that. It wasn't life, but it certainly wasn't death. Remus pondered death, but not because he wanted it. He often wondered where Lily and James and Peter were, and what they were doing, and what they thought of the remains of a life they used to know.

He finally escaped England, went to Bulgaria, of all places. Found a place where he could help teach others how to protect themselves. The first lesson always consisted of protection against werewolves and more than once Remus found himself out of commission for long periods of time upon waking the morning after a full moon.

Some people he used to know still contacted him, asked how he was, invited him home for the Holidays. Sometimes he accepted, sometimes he didn't. Life existed this way for the better part of twelve years before Dumbledore summoned him. A request to meet in Diagon Alley, to discuss important business. He left his little corner of the world and went to Hogwarts, and argued with Severus Snape, and talked with Harry Potter, and endured swallowing the Wolfsbane potion.

Sirius returned, but it was briefly, all too briefly, and then he ran off into hiding, and Harry Potter went back home, and Remus found a nice inexpensive flat in Surrey. He gave lectures on Dark Creatures, and was allowed to create his own schedules, and almost learned what it was like to eat food habitually again.

"You didn't see Sirius again until the end of my fourth year, then?" Harry asks, making sure he's hearing things correctly. "Why did Dumbledore send you there?"

Ah, now that really is information that must be kept under strict confidence.

Harry doesn't look satisfied with this answer, but leaves it alone nonetheless. "All right, well, the Order was created again, and you had your job back. I guess I saw most of what happened over the summer. What about when school started again?"

Remus was often gone, carrying out business. When he came back, Sirius would maul him, and demand to know if he was all right, and what the world was like out there. He grasped every detail behind closed eyes, a smile on his face, pretending that he had lived it.

Most of the fights that took place were over how often Remus had to be away. Sirius hated being alone in his old house, complaining that he hadn't been able to stay last time he had lived there. Mostly he was sullen and uncooperative. All the time he was worrying about Harry. It was the subject that he never brought to a close.

'I don't know why you don't just go and see him,' Sirius said. 'You're not wanted by the Ministry of Magic.'

Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly. 'I don't want to argue, Sirius. I've told you before. I can't go and see him. That Umbridge woman would hex me if I set a foot inside that castle.' Remus was sure that the only person Sirius hated more in the world that Severus Snape was Delores Umbridge.

'I hate that woman! I hate the Ministry come to think of it. What have werewolves ever done?'

'Aside from attack people and turn them into mindless creatures during a full moon? Nothing at all, Sirius.' Remus was too tired to expound on every flaw in the laws considering werewolves vs. their human counterparts.

His face got the same look it always did when Remus discussed his own condition. 'Stop that. You know that can be prevented. You've had first hand experience on how that can be prevented.'

'Nothing's foolproof,' he murmured.

Sirius turned an odd pale color. 'Dumbledore told you?'

Remus nodded. 'Last year.' When he received no response he continued. 'I wonder what kind of sick glee Miss Umbridge would derive from learning that as a werewolf, I am quite contagious.'

The doorbell rang, and Mrs. Black's ever-familiar shrieks filled the halls.

'Her and your mother would get along, I think.'

"What a grand reunion, huh," Harry says glumly.

It wasn't all like that. There were weeks when Remus didn't have orders, and he and Sirius were able to spend quiet evenings together. Sirius came alive again during Christmas. And sometimes, even when the house was empty except for the two of them, Sirius was content.

When Harry ran off to the Ministry in late June, and Kreacher walked around the house cackling with glee, Remus finally confronted Sirius.

'Don't go,' he said. 'Don't you dare go to the Ministry. The rest of the Order will take care of it. You stay here.'

Sirius laughed in disbelief. 'Stay here? You've got to be kidding me, Remus. Harry is out there getting attacks by hordes of Death Eaters for all we know, and you want me to _stay here_?'

There was something akin to sickness growing in the pit of Remus's stomach. 'Yes, I want you to stay. I don't have a good feeling about this.'

'So, what? Are you Sibyl now?'

'Sirius-'

'I'm not going to sit here and twiddle my thumbs while Harry is out there risking his neck.' Remus could tell that he was fighting to not start a shouting match. Not while other members of the Order were gathering in just the other room.

'Yes you can!'

'No, I can't!'

'Sirius, listen to me. You're the closest thing Harry has to a father now, and if you go to the Ministry there's a good chance that somebody could kill you possessing this knowledge, and then what? He'll have nobody left to turn to. And don't you even think about saying I'll still be here. I'm not worth the same thing to him. You know that, and I know that. So just stay. I'll tell him you're all right, I'll bring him back, I promise I won't let anything happen to him.' Remus was talking as quickly as he could, trying everything he knew that would hold Sirius back.

His head shook. 'I don't care about that. Besides, they could kill you out there too.'

In a gesture of hopelessness, Remus childishly stomped his foot. 'I don't care! I care about _you_, Sirius Black! Just stay here!'

A number of emotions fought their way across Sirius's face. "I can't. I just can't.' He turned away. 'We should go.'

'I love you.' His voice was trembling and wavering just like he back at his third year of Hogwarts, but Remus didn't care. 'Do you hear me? I love you, I love you, I love you.' Sirius turned back around, astonished. 'Despite all my best efforts and insistence otherwise, I love you, and don't you mock me about it.' His last trick, the ace up his sleeve.

The distance between them closed, and Sirius kissed him properly. A last kiss made for the movies. 'I love you, too.' Something swelled in Remus's chest. 'Let's go get Harry, then.' Remus was left choking on vomit in the grimy bathroom.

Remus never fell in love, because there was never time. Back during Hogwarts, he hadn't thought it possible, and then he hadn't wanted to, and finally when he thought it possible, when he was desperate and mad and half choking with it, Sirius was gone.

It's not a subject he likes to dwell on. Most of the time he tells himself that Sirius isn't really gone, he's just away and one evening he'll walk through the door and they'll continue their lives. Except different this time. Remus promises himself that if Sirius ever came back, he'd make sure that everything was different. Regret is a terrible thing.

Harry stares off at the horizon, where the sun is finally sinking in the sky. He looks at the reds and oranges and then looks at Remus. "I miss him too," he says finally. "Thanks."

That night a full moon rises.


End file.
